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Not Saying Thank You Is Like Saying The N-Word

A while ago, I asked myself a simple question: “Why do we say thank you?” Immediately, an equally simple answer popped up in my head: “Because we're thankful.”

But is that really the answer? Because if you sneeze, and that weird guy from across the street yells “bless you,” you probably reply with “thank you”.

Why do you do that? Can he magically cure your allergy with his words of wisdom? Are you happy because he blessed you with his rough smoker voice? Or maybe, just maybe, you do it because from the time you were a little kid, you have been conditioned to say thank you all the time.

How To Say Thank You For
Dummies Kids

How do kids learn to say thank you anyway? Well, I can only speak for myself. So this is how I learned, in 5 simple steps:

  1. Somebody did something nice for me or gave me something (for example a compliment, a piece of banana or a toy that just left the mouth of another infant).
  2. My mother asked: “What do we say?” (Well, she didn't really ask. It was more like an encouraging singing voice.)
  3. Depending on the alignment of Jupiter with the moon I either:
  1. Said “thank you” and everyone applauded.
  2. Ignored her and started playing.
  1. Poor little me. If Jupiter was not fully covered by the moon things got ugly. And by that I mean: my mother forced me to say “thank you” by taking away the toy I just received.
  2. Then she said: “Marvin, you need to say thank you!”
  1. And eventually I did. (Quietly, without smiling, while looking at the floor)

90% Of Thank You’s Are Fake

What happens if you are forced to say “thank you”, even though you are not thankful? Your “thank you’s” become empty and fake. They mean as much to you as the toilet paper you flushed down this morning.

So I tried an experiment and only said “thank you”, when I was actually thankful. This reduced my “thank you” output to about 10%. My “thank you’s” were finally meaningful. My heart leaped with joy every time I sent one on its way to its rightful receiver.

Guess what happened:

  1. I'm now a much happier person with many friends.
  2. People got pissed off and I didn’t feel good for long.

Hard question right? B is the correct answer. Yes, people got pissed off. Somebody literally said to me: “Marvin you’re not thankful”. So I realized:

We don't say “thank you” because we are thankful. We say it because the other person might think we should be thankful.

Not saying “thank you” has consequences, even for adults.

True, adults don't take away a present if the receiver doesn't say “thank you”. “Grown up punishment” is silent and comes with a big delay. Once you realize somebody is punishing you, they've already deleted your phone number.

Not Saying Thank You Is Like Saying The N-Word

Before you cancel me on social media, hear me out. We already learned that there are consequences for not saying “thank you”.

So sometimes we say it, because we are afraid (consciously or subconsciously) of these consequences.

We can't read minds. So we don't know who feels like we should be thankful. The “thank you giver” has a hard time understanding the “thank you receiver”.

Just like white people have a hard time understanding how it feels to be black and hear the n-word.

Of course this doesn't include you; you are different. You are empathetic and know what the n-word means to a black person. But my guess is: The vast majority of white people are just afraid of the consequences of saying it.

Why Was Your Great Great Grandma Thankful?

Metaphorically speaking the “thank you torch” is passed from parents to children. And whenever it is about to go out, society slaps the bearer in the face so he can light it back up.

Now you might wonder: “Why is society such a bitch?”

I started looking for answers in the holy books of the world and learned that the bible, the quran and the torah are filled with ideas about thankfulness. All 3 religions see thankfulness as an important part of worship.

So your great great grandma probably started to be thankful because of religion. But…

Why Is Thankfulness Such a Big Part Of Religion?

Maybe it has to do with the attitude one assumes while being thankful? If you are truly thankful you lower yourself down and raise somebody else up. Because by definition you cannot thank somebody that you see as inferior; since such a person could be forced to do whatever you want.

300.000 years ago, showing thankfulness, for example by lowering your head, could have made your cave friends feel good. This in turn made the “thank you receiver” much more likely to continue helping the “thank you giver”.

By the way, this hypothesis can be supported by official research. People who have received a “thank you” were found much more likely to help again - even total strangers.

But back to the stone age. So our ancestors noticed that signs of thankfulness would lead to good things in the future. Of course they didn't think: “If I lower my head when mammoth meat is distributed, I get more the next time”. They just repeated what worked. Until one day, a revolutionary at the time, saved this unconscious information in the form of a story. Which brings us back to holy books and religion.

Do To Others What You Would Have Them Do To You (Matt. 7:12)

What started as a way to increase cooperation between our ancestors, has hidden the real thing from us. Real thankfulness is like a four leaf clover hiding between an ocean of look-alikes.

If you don't believe in planting look-alikes, you still have some options. All of them will help you keep your friends.

  1. Keep saying thank you (even if you don't mean it).
  1. Some people (especially older generations) take this very seriously.
  2. If it helps, remember that you don't say thank you for yourself, but for the receiver.
  1. Try to become genuinely thankful.
  1. Somebody yells “bless you” across the street? Be happy about it. There is a person who noticed you, even though his mind and his phone are full of distractions.
  1. Don’t expect to receive “thank you’s” yourself.
  1. The next time somebody doesn't say “thank you” to you, smile. Watch the feelings inside you. Does it bother you?
  2. If you can: thank the other person for not saying “thank you”. But do it in a way that doesn't sound sarcastic (you can send them this essay).

I learned a lot about evolution, religion and myself while writing this essay. Hopefully you did too. Thank you for reading.

 

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23.09.2024 / Thanks to Maria for reading drafts of this.